Tottington Public Band.


Band Jokes [or is it Bad Jokes!]

Soprano Jokes


How many Sop players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - one to handle the bulb, and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

The advantages of being an Eb Soprano player?:

Have you ever noticed how the Soprano player is always located on the outside of the band close to the audience, this is for the following reasons:

1. If there is a fire you can make it to the door in time instead of being toast like the Basses.
2. Nobody sits behind you honking in your ear.
3. If the solo cornets get mouthy you can direct a chastening blast beyond the pain thresh-hold.
4. You can easily check out any cute babes/guys in the audience.
5. If you are hitting a really good top C you can turn toward the audience slightly and let it rip.
6. You can beat the old biddies and get to the car park faster at the end of a concert.
7. Lots of room to your right for mutes, cornet stands, music pad and a little table for your beer.
8. Being up front suits the Soprano players ego.
9. If necessary you can give a disapproving glance to anyone in the band without the MD noticing.
10. You can give a disapproving glance to the MD so the whole band can see but he/she can't.
11. If you have to go to the toilet bad you can get there first at the break.
12. As 11 but first to the bar
13. As 11 but you get to the free food/coffee/tea first.
14. Everyone expects you to be egotistical so there is no need to pretend humility.

Cornet Jokes


How many 3rd Cornet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, as none of them can get that high! [2nd as well in our case!!]

Three big headed Cornetist's are on tour, travelling in an aeroplane, one says "I'm throwing a fifty pound note out to make someone happy". The next says "I'm going to throw out 2 twenties and make 2 people happy". The third said "Well I'm going to throw out 5 tens, It'll make 5 people happy".
Their Conductor tells them " why don't you just all jump, and make the whole band happy?".

How can you tell if a back row Cornet is knocking at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a Cornet player to play Treble forte?
Write mp on the part. [One for you here Andrew!!]

Why are cornets smaller than trumpets?
It's not that cornets are smaller, it's that cornet players' heads are bigger.

Baritone Jokes


What is the range of a baritone ?
About 100 yards if you have a strong right arm.

What is the syllabus for grade VIII baritone ?
Holding it from memory.

Why is the Baritone called a divine instrument?
Because although a man blows in it, God only knows what comes out of it!

How do you get two Baritones to play in unison?
Shoot one!

Once upon a time there was a conductor who had a gun with two bullets.
There was a bad Baritone Player, a bad Cornet Player and a bad Trombone
Player. Who did he shoot?

The Baritone Player - twice, just to make sure!

Trombone Jokes


A trombone player walks past a bar.
Yeah right! Could have fooled me!

A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band. The director says," Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But I don't play the trombone."
"Well," the director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone section!!!

How many Trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - one to handle the bulb, four to make ludicrous sexual comment.

How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato. 2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a Trombonists arm?
A tattoo.

How many Trombonists does it take to screw a light-bulb?
None, but its the only thing they wont screw.

How can you tell if its a Trombonists kid in the playground?
They can't swing, and they complain about the slide.

What's the first position a Trombonist learns?
Head cocked, Arm above it, finger scratching scalp.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
An optimist.

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.

How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.

Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold onto the light bulb and four to sip whiskey until the room spins.

What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a three-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

What do the letters pp mean to a trombone player?
1. An opportunity for an improvised solo, and 2. A polite reminder that he has been playing too loud for the past 5 minutes.

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

Tuba Jokes

A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba. His father said, how did you get on son? Great said the son, I can play a "G". Next week, the child returns from his second lesson. His father said, how did you get on son? Great said the son, I can now play a "C". The following week, the father is frantic with worry when the child does not return home until 2.00 a.m. Where have you been said the father?
Out gigging, said the son!

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a "tuba glue".

How do you raise the town's IQ?
Shoot the tuba player.

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. " I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already." The tubist: "How should I know that?" The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?"
The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"

How many tubas does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to change the bulb, 4 to complain how high it is.

A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as they ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort.
Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"

Why is a band like a bull?
They both have the horns at the front, and the assholes at the rear!

Percussionist Jokes


What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

How many drummers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on." The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry. "Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar. "Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts.
The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?" "About 60."
"What kind of sticks do you use?"

How can you make a drummer slow down?
Put a sheet of music in front of him

How can you make that drummer stop?
Put notes on it!